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[manji2005]

Diets & Dying


Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the
truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what
kills you.

[manji2005]

Diet Facts


A diet is a weigh of life.

It's not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight,
it's the seconds.

It's something most of us do religiously: We eat what we
want and pray we don't gain weight.

The problem with curbing our appetites is that most of us
do it at the drive in window of McDonalds.

The most fattening thing you can put in an ice cream sundae
is a spoon.

The biggest drawback to fasting for seven days is that it makes
one weak.

Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.

Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.

The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. It's watching
what other people eat.

Diets are for women who not only kept their girlish figure but doubled it.

A diet is when you have to go to some length to change your width.

Many women reduce and reduce, yet still never manage to become
a bargain.

The best way to lose weight is by skipping ... snacks and desert.

Most people gain weight by having intimate dinners for two...alone.

People go to Weight Watchers to learn their lessens.

A diet is the modern-day meal in which a family counts its calories
instead of its blessings.

A diet is what you go on when not only can't you fit into the store's
dresses, you can't fit into the dressing room.

One guideline applies to fat and thin people alike: If you're thin, don't
eat fast. If you're fat, don't eat - FAST.

Above all, dieters are advised to avoid Pepsi, "the pause that refleshes."

[manji2005]

Doctor! Doctor!


Doctor, doctor, my wooden leg is giving me a lot of pain.
Why's that?
My wife keeps hitting me over the head with it.
*
Doctor, doctor, my hair's coming out. Can you give me something to
keep it in?
Certainly - how about a paper bag?
*
Doctor, doctor, people keep ignoring me.
Next, please!
*
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.
Pull yourself together!
*
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a bridge.
What's come over you?
Two cars and a bus!
*
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon.
Sit there and don't stir.
*
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a billiard ball.
Get back in the queue.
*
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.
*
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking there's two of me.
One at a time, please.
*
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you.
I can't. I'm not allowed on the furniture.

[manji2005]

Doctor's Orders


A 92 year old man went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down
the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

At his follow up visit, the doctor talked to the man and
said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor:
"Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'."

The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart
murmur. Be careful."

[manji2005]

Doctors and Guns


Think about this:

a. The number of physicians in the US is 700,000.
b. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year is 120,000.
c. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. (US Dept. of Health Human Services)

Then think about this:

a. The number of gun owners in the US is 80,000,000.
b. The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is 1,500.
c. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188.

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT
LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets
out of hand.

As a public health measure I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear that the
shock could cause people to seek medical attention.

[manji2005]

Five Surgeons


Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table,
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers
...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over
at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no
heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

[manji2005]

Grandma's Problem


Old Granny went to her doctor to see what could be
done about her constipation.

"It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my
bowels in a week."

"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the
doctor.

"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for
a half-hour in the morning and again at night."

"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take
anything?"

"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."

[manji2005]

Hillbilly Medical Terms


Benign................What you be after you be eight.

Bacteria...............Back door to cafeteria.

Barium.................What you do with dead folks.

Cesarean Section.......A neighborhood in Rome.

Catscan................Searching for the cat.

Cauterize..........Made eye contact with her.

Colic...............A sheep dog.

Coma...............A punctuation mark.

D&C................Where Washington is.

Dilate.............To live longer than your kids do.

Enema.............Not a friend.

Fester............Quicker than someone else.

Fibula............A small lie.

G.I.Series.........World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail...........What you hang your coat on.

Impotent......Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain..........Getting hurt at work.

Morbid..............A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates...........Cheaper than day rates.

Medical Staff.......A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake.

Node....................I knew it.

Outpatient..............A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear................A fatherhood test.

Pelvis...................Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative...........A letter carrier.

Recovery Room....Place to do upholstery.

Secretion.......Hiding something.

Tablet..........A small table to change babies on.

Seizure..........Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section.

Terminal Illness....Getting sick at the train station.

Tumor...............More than one.

Urine...............Opposite of mine.

Varicose............Near by.

Hospital............The biggest building in town, other than Joe's feed
warehouse or Franks lumber mill.

[Sajida]

hehehe they r just too good!keep posting!

[manji2005]

Incredible Shape


"You're in incredible shape," the doctor said. "How old are you again?"

"I am 78." The man said. "78?" asked the doctor. "How do you stay so
healthy? You look like a 60 year old."

"Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married
that whenever she got mad she would go into the kitchen and cool
off and I would go outside to settle down." the man explained.

"What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor.

"I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."

[manji2005]

Mental Health


Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital
swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly
jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic
act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the
hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news, he said, "Mary, I have
good news and bad news. The good news is you're being
discharged because - since you were able to jump in and
save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your
senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung
himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry,
but he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry"

[manji2005]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mud Bath


A man goes into his doctors office for an annual
physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and
says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you
have a condition which only allows you another 6
weeks to live."

"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I
haven't felt better in years. This just can't be
true. Isn't there anything I can do?"

After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might
start going down the street to that new health spa
and take a mud bath every day."

Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"

"No," Replied the doctor, "but it will get you
used to the dirt."

[manji2005]

Ouch!


A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an
inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him
that all was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the
hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be second surgery
the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy
to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at
what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips
of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off. Written in
large black letters was the sentence.

"Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

[manji2005]

Psychotherapy


A certain man was infatuated with a young
woman, but was so timid he never had the
courage to speak to her. In fact, he told his
therapist that every time he got near her he
felt like nothing more than a tiny pebble.

"Well," his therapist responded, "If you want
to get the girl you'll just have to be a little
boulder!"

[manji2005]

Pills


Doctor: "Take the green pill with a glass of water
when you get up. Take the blue pill with 2 glasses
of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed,
take the red pill with another glass of water."

Man: "Exactly what's my problem, doc?"

Doctor: "You're not drinking enough water."