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User avatar
By manji2005
#3610
Bill Gates vs General Motors


At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with
technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving
twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: " If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all
be driving cars with the following characteristics:

For no reason whatsoever, the car would crash twice a day.
*
Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy
a new car.
*
Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and
you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
*
Occasionally, executing a manuever such as a left turn, would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to start, in which case you would have
to reinstall the engine.
*
Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought
"Car95" or CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
*
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable,
five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but you would only run
on five percent of the roads.
*
The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would be
replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
*
New seats would force everyone to have to have the same size butt.
*
The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before deploying.
*
Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
*
GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of
Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither
need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would
immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more.
Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice
Department.
*
Every time GM introduced a new model, car drivers would have to
learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would
operate in the same manner as the old car.
*
You would press the "Start" button to shut off the engine.
User avatar
By manji2005
#3611
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Buy a Mac


I was just having a conversation with someone who is about
to buy a Mac. I was against it and an argument started. I said
there were too few people supporting the Mac.

He responded, "When was the last time you heard of a virus
on a Mac?"

And I said "See, even people who write viruses don't support
Macs."
User avatar
By manji2005
#3612
C-Nile Virus


Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems that there is a virus out
there called the C-nile Virus that even the most advanced programs from
Norton cannot take care of, so be warned, it appears to affect those of us
who were born before 1956!

Symptoms of C-nile Virus:

1. Causes you to send same e-mail twice.

2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.

3. Causes you to send to wrong person.

4. Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you.

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished it.
User avatar
By manji2005
#3613
Computer Hillbillies


Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed, A
poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter, who said,
"they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."

UNIX, that is...
CRTs...
Workstations.

Well, the first thing ya know ole Jed's an
Engineer. The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here".
They said "Arizona is the place ya oughta be", So he
bought some donuts and moved to Ahwatukee

Intel, that is...
dry heat...
no amusement parks.

On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube. Fed
him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said "your project's late, but we know just
what to do. Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"

O.T. that is...
unpaid...
mandatory.

The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.
Schedules started slipping and some managers were
mad. They called another meeting and
decided on a fix. The answer was quite simple

"We'll work him sixty-six!"

Tired, that is...
stressed out...
no social life.

Months turned to years and his hair was turning gray.
Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.

Laid off, that is...
de-briefed...
unemployed.

Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told.
Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start your own firm, beat
the competition, watch the bosses squirm.

Millionaires, that is...
Bill Gates...
Steve Case...

Y'all come back now ya hear?
User avatar
By manji2005
#3614
Computer Poem


If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!
User avatar
By manji2005
#3615
Computer Viruses


Kenneth Starr Virus:
Competely examines every aspect of your computer,
then compiles a complex report that discredits every
aspect of your computer.

Ronald Reagan Virus:
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Mike Tyson Virus:
Quits after two bytes.
Spits everything out.

Oprah Winfrey Virus:
Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB,
then slowly expands to 200 MB.

Titanic Virus:
Your whole computer goes down.

Disney Virus:
Everything in your computer goes Goofy.

Prozac Virus:
Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus:
Terminates zome viles, leaves, but it vill be baaack.
User avatar
By manji2005
#3616
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Cup Holder


Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within
my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped.It's because
I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade
show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any
trademark on it?"

Caller: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything
about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because
he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller
had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a
cup holder and snapped it off the drive.
User avatar
By Muhammad Mahdi
#3622
I dont mean to be rude or anything butit would be better if the jokes already posted not to be posted again by another user
User avatar
By Muhammad Mahdi
#3624
And the cup holder has apeeared4 times in this post and once earlier by another user
User avatar
By manji2005
#3695
Sorry, my mistake
I must have clicked the submit button 3 - 4 times
sorry :)
User avatar
By Muhammad Mahdi
#3698
Hahahha
I have done the same thing
Sorry :lol: :lol: :lol: :oops: :oops:
User avatar
By Umm.aly
#3716
:lol: luved the comp poem! :D

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