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[manji2005]

Bill Gates - Heaven 98.0


Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in
Purgatory being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure to
send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society
by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you
created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never
done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want
to go!"


Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"


God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will
help you make a decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"


God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."


Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It
was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There
were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the
water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the
temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he
told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"


"Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the
clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It
was nice but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision.
"Hmm, I think prefer Hell," he told God.


"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.


Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to
see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found
Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark
cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.


"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.


Bill responded, his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This
is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened.
What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful
women playing in the water?"


God says, "That was the screen saver".

[manji2005]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Clinton, Gore and Gates in Heaven


Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane
that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white
throne. God addresses Al first.

"Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine
is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more
freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."

God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, I can live with
that. Come and sit at my left,"

God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you
believe in?"

Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the
people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about
things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do.
I also believe in feeling people's pain."

God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, that sounds
good. Come and sit at my right."

God then addresses Bill Gates. "Bill Gates, what do you
believe?"

Bill Gates said, "I believe you're in my chair."

[manji2005]

Clocks in Heaven


A man passed away and went to Heaven. Upon arriving at the
pearly gates, St. Peter said, "Come on in. I'll show you around.
I really think you'll like it here." Walking through the gates,
the man noticed that there were clocks everywhere. It appeared
that Heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.

Surprised at how Heaven looked, the man asked St. Peter, "What's the
deal with all the clocks?"

St. Peter replied, "They keep track of everybody on earth.
There is one clock for each person. Every time someone tells a lie,
his clock moves forward one minute. For instance, this clock belongs to
Sam, a used car salesman. If you watch it closely, it will move any
second." Click. The minute hand on Sam's clock moved forward one
minute. Click. It moved forward another minute. "Sam must be closing on
a deal right now," said St. Peter. "The minute hand on his clock moves
all day long."

The man and St. Peter continued walking and soon came across a
clock covered with cobwebs. "Whose clock is this?" asked the man.

"That clock belongs to the Widow Mary. She is one of the finest
persons on earth. I bet her clock hasn't moved in a year or two."

They continued walking and touring Heaven. The man enjoyed watching
the clocks of all his friends. When the tour was finally finished, the man
said, "I've seen everyone's clock but one. Where is President Clinton's
kept?" St. Peter smiled and said, "Look up there. We use his for a
ceiling fan."

[manji2005]

Ducks


Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they
get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven ... don't
step on the ducks."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their
best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains
them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and
along came St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another
extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment
as the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for
all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She
manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.
Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid
eyes on ... very tall, tan, muscular, and with good hair. St. Peter chains
them together without saying a word.

The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to
you for all of eternity?"

And the guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."

Contributed by Doc A.

[manji2005]

Due Rewards


God greets Mother Teresa at the Pearly Gates. "Thou be hungry, Mother
Teresa?" saith God. "I could eat," Mother Teresa replies. So God opens
a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it.

While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looks down into Hell and
sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants,
pastries and fine wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, Mother Teresa
remains quiet.

The next day God again invites Mother Teresa to join him for a meal.
Again, it is tuna and rye bread. Once again looking down, Mother Teresa
can see the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles
and chocolates. Still Mother Teresa says nothing.

The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened.
Mother Teresa can't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she says: "God,
I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious,
obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a
piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and
kings! Forgive me, O God, but I just don't understand..."

God sighs. "Let's be honest, Mother Teresa," he says. "For just two
people, does it pay to cook?!"

[manji2005]

Father?


St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming.
He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus,
could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their
background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they
deserve entry into Heaven."

"Sounds easy enough. OK." So Jesus waited at the gates while
St. Peter went off on his errand. The first person to approach
the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the
examination table and sat across from him. He peered at the
old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned
forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.

"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can
you tell me about him?"

"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"

The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

[manji2005]

Gorgeous


A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck,
and everyone inside dies.

They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they
have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before
they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I
want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line,
the last guy in line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor,
laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says......

"Make 'em all ugly again"

[manji2005]

The Engineer


An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks
his list and says, "Ah, you're an engineer. You're in the wrong place,
fella." So the engineer disappointedly reports to the gates of Hell,
wondering what he did to deserve this.

Pretty soon, having accepted his fate, the engineer gets
dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and starts designing and
building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush
toliets, escalators, etc., and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on his telephathic connection and
asks, "So how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things
are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and
escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to
come up with next. We're having a wonderful time.

God replies: "What?!!! You've got an engineer? That's a
mistake -- he should never have gotten down there. Send him up
here."

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm
keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uroariously and answers, "Yeah, right! And just
where are YOU going to get a lawyer.

[manji2005]

Heaven's Entrance Exam


A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the Pearly
Gates. St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it
into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a
certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When
you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and
never cheated on her, even in my heart."

"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"

"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported
its ministry with my tithe and service."

"Terrific!" says St. Peter. "That's certainly worth a point."

"One point?!!" "I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter
for homeless veterans."

"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.

"Two points!?!!" Exasperated, the man cries. "At this rate
the only way I'll get into heaven is by the grace of God."

"Bingo, 100 points! Come on in!"

******************************************
How Do You Spell...?


A woman died and found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being
greeted by St. Peter. She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it
is? It's so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?"

To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But
you must do one more thing before you can enter."

The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass
through the gates.

"Spell a word," St. Peter replied.

"What word?" she asked.

"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice."

The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love.
L-o-v-e."

St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and
asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes
while he went to the bathroom. "I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I
do if someone comes while you are gone?"
St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman simply have any
newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.

So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful
angels soaring around her, when lo and behold, a man approaches the gates, and
she realizes it is her husband.

"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"

Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset when I left
your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to
Heaven?"

To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word
first."

"What word?" he asked.

The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."

******************************************

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How to Get Into Heaven


An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting
into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to
get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and
out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St.
Peter says 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"

************************************

[manji2005]

The Good Deed


A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted,
while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is
worthy.

St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his brow and says
to the guy, 'You know, I can't see that you ever did anything really bad
in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can
point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED-- you're in.'

The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'Yeah, there was this one time
when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of thugs
assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on
and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em harassing this
terrified young woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire
iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge
guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to
his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the thugs formed a circle around
me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over
the head with the tire iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at
the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a
bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson
in pain!''

St. Peter, impressed, says, 'Really? When did this happen?'

'Oh, about two minutes ago.'

[manji2005]

The Plane Crash


The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a
three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They
all died and went to heaven together.

"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter. "I know you
guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one
of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren't
expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready... We
can't take you in and we can't send you back...."

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer,
this is St. Peter. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're
ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the
place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for
a while. It'll only be a few of days. What d'ya say?"

Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.

However, two days later... St. Peter got a call.

"Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey, you gotta come get these
guys. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody,
the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Roberts
has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."

[manji2005]

Three Friends Go to Heaven


After dying in a car crash, three friends go to
Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same
question: "When you are in your casket, and friends
and family are mourning over you, what would you like
to hear them say about you?"

The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to
hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of
my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was
a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a
huge difference in the children of tomorrow."

The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I guess
I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!"

[Muhammad Mahdi]

[unknown]

very good jokes Ali,
really enjoy reading em

[manji2005]

The Golfer


A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing
and hit his ball into a clump of trees.

He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he
thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3 wood, he took
another mighty swing, the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit
him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him
coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer?", to which the man
replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"