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[Muhammad Mahdi]

F1: I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men.

F2: TELL me about it! I went golfing with my ex one time, and he told me I asked too many questions!

F1: Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?

F2: I thought I asked legitimate questions.... like, "Why did you hit the ball into that lake?"

[Muhammad Mahdi]

Late one night in the capitol city a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money!" he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this -- I'm a U.S. Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"

[Muhammad Mahdi]

Late one night in the capitol city a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money!" he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this -- I'm a U.S. Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"

[Muhammad Mahdi]

"Someone has said that there are only two kinds of people in the world---- There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

[Muhammad Mahdi]

Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly."

[Muhammad Mahdi]

On a slow day with few customers, a clerk at a telegram office looks down from her counter and sees a dog waiting in line.
"Oh, aren't you cute?" she says. "What would you like me to put on your telegram?"
"Bow wow wow, Bow wow wow," the dog replies.
The clerk says in a cutesy voice, "But you can add another 'Bow wow wow' for the same price."

The dog responds, "Now wouldn't that sound a little silly?"

[Muhammad Mahdi]

Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am
doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?

[Muhammad Mahdi]

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!


Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ice cream soda!
Ice cream soda who?
ICE CREAM SODA PEOPLE CAN HEAR ME...

[Muhammad Mahdi]

Disorder In The Court
Things people actually said in court, word for word:
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "where am I Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well I can see pretty well I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played horn for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, do they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

[Muhammad Mahdi]

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.

"What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."

"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"

[Muhammad Mahdi]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable". The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, "comfortable?'"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slow. - - - -
("com-for-da-bul" )

[Muhammad Mahdi]

My son, age 13, was sick in bed with bronchitis, and although he showed some general improvement, his harsh cough persisted and could be heard all over the house. Worried, too, that he was missing so much school, I went into his room to see how he felt. There he was, propped up in bed, earphones on, listening to a baseball game -- while the tape recorder coughed on and on. The next morning, he was in school.


Submitted by James S. Woods

[Umm.aly]

"Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your captain PATEL (Boniface)

Welcoming both seated and standing passengers on board of Air India.
We apologize for the four-day delay in taking off, it was due to bad weather and some overtime I had to put in at the bakery.

This is flight 717 to Mumbai. Landing there is not guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in India. And, if luck is in our favor, we may even be landing on your village!

Air India has an excellent safety-record. In fact, our safety standards are
so high, that even terrorists are afraid to fly with us!

It is with pleasure; I announce that, starting this year, over 30% of our
passengers have reached their destination.

If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can arrange to turn them off!

For our not-so-religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help
you find out if there really is a God!

We regret to inform you, that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as
we forgot to record it from the television. However, for our movie buffs, we will be flying right next to Emirates Airline, where
their movie will be visible from the right side of the cabin window.

There is no smoking allowed in this airplane. Any smoke you see in the
cabin is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow
down!

In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly as close
as possible for the best view. If however, we go a little too
close, do let us know.

Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right through the landmark!

Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take-off and
fasten your seat-belt. For those of you who can't find a seat-belt, kindly
fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. And, for those of you who
can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with a stewardess who
will explain how to fasten yourself to your suitcase."

ENJOY AIR INDIA!!

[Muhammad Mahdi]

funny plane

[imz]

Three men were having lunch, one was CIA, one was Israeli Mossad, and the
other was British M-5. There was a slight buzzing soiund and the Brit
opened his mouth, unscrewed a tooth, put it to his ear and listened. He
then held the tooth to his mouth and said "I'm eating now and I'll get
back to you." The CIA man's tie-clip began to beep and he followed the
same basic scenario. All of a sudden the man from the Mossad let out some
rip roaring gas. "Excuse me", he said, "I'm getting a fax".