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[imz]

If they made toasters ....

If IBM made toasters ...
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be
submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide
market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Microsoft made toasters ...
Everytime you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster.
You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd have to pay for it
anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15,000 pounds (hence requiring a
reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small
city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the
first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you wanted your
toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to
find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but
nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works
with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters...
It would do everything Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.

If Fisher-Price made toasters ...
"Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast
the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

If The Rand Corporation made toasters ...
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every
morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service
department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for
the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files
would have an episode about it.

If the NSA made toasters ...
Your toaster would have a secret trapdoor that only the NSA could
access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of
national security.

Does Digital (formerly DEC) still make toasters ...
They made good toasters in the '70s, didn't they?

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters ...
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and
gives you regular bread.

If Sony made toasters ...
Their "Personal Toasting Device", which would be barely larger than
the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently
attached to your belt.

If The Franklin Mint made toasters ...
Every month you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your
authentic Civil War pewter toaster.

If Cray made toasters ...
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other
single-slice toaster in the world.

If Thinking Machines made toasters ...
You would be able to toast 64,000,000 pieces of bread at the same time.

If Timex made toasters ...
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a
licking and keep on toasting.

If Radio Shack made toasters ...
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or
you could by all the parts to build your own toaster.

If K-Tel sold toaster ...
They would not be available in stores, and you would get a free set of
Ginsu knives with each one.

If the University of Waterloo made toasters ...
They would immediately spin-off a company called WatToast.

If the PQ made toasters ...
They wouldn't want to be on the same counter-top as the rest of the
appliances.

[imz]

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send
me your damn chain letters over the past few years. Yes, thank you,
thank you, thank you from the bottom of what's left of my heart for
making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern...I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the
rat feces and urine.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day

I no longer use margarine because it's one molecule away from being
plastic.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually
Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to
Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Zebekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and
leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes. (Geez, the BIBLE did not mention it works that way!)

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their
special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me!

I will now return the favor.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60
seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at 5:00 PM
this afternoon and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your
armpits.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a
friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of my
next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's 8th husband's 2nd cousin's 3rd
husband's ex-wife's mother's beautician!

Ain't spam great?!?!?

[Muhammad Mahdi]

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually
Al Qaeda in disguise

haha

[imz]

Top 9 reasons computers are male
===========================

9. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
8. A better model is always just around the corner.
7. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
6. It is always necessary to have a backup.
5. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
4. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
3. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. The lights are on but nobody's home.
1. Big power surges knock them out for the night.

ps. jus incase ur wondern y der r 9 fings for male.. last one was kinda rude


Here's the quid pro quo:

Top 10 reasons compilers must be female:
========================================

10. Picky, picky, picky.
9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
8. Beauty is only shell deep.
7. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing".
6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
5. Always turning simple statements into big productions.
4. Smalltalk is important.
3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
2. They make you take the garbage out.
1. Miss a period and they go wild