I must at the foremost
applaud all of you...for coming up with all the points and all the issues that are eventually faced by Youths on the road to Marriage. The first step to solutions, is definitely identifying the problems.
I have been following the discussions closely, and I feel it very neccessary to point out the following:-
1.
'Love before Marriage' is
Haraam! Here I am referring to the 'Love' that leads to what we normally call 'Love Marriage'.
We all know and understand well, that no one can fall in 'Love' without knowing each other very VERY well. If someone claims to be in 'Love' without knowing that person well, then I am inclined to believe, like Muhaddisa mentioned, that it is more likely to be infatuation, attraction, maybe lust...but not 'Love'.
I wanted to spotlight on this issue in this forum. Thats why I raised the question of
what is 'Love' in an earlier post under this forum. If Love is what the Holy Prophet(SAW) and Bibi Khadija(may god be pleased with her) had for each other,
then how can one 'fall' in Love before Marriage?
And if one sincerely falls in 'Love' before marriage, then we can safely assume that he and she have been very CLOSE to each other. And being close (be it, being romantic to each other, being alone together without a thrid person, holding hands, etc) are all haraam. And its logical to assume that something that one begins in Haraam shall not be very successful.
On the other hand, the concept I mentioned of 'Semi-arranged ' marriages refers to the other side of the coin.
For example, a man and woman know each other since for example, they were in the same class or the same school. I will repeat the sentence that they KNOW each other. What I mean is, since they were in the same school, they know what the other person is like, maybe even their likes and dislikes, and their habits. This knowledge about the other person comes about due to observing the person and his/her actions.
The man (or woman for that matter) if decide that they may want to marry that person (as they see the characteristics which they like), then he/she would talk to his/her parents, who would then inquire further about the girl/boy, and if all goes well, the proposal would be taken to the other side. The other family would then research further about the boy/girl....
In this case, they are not in 'Love'. But since they
know each other from before, and have researched about each other further...they would be in a very good position to agree/disagree to the marriage.
Coming to 'Love' itself, Muhaddisa quoted the beautiful verse of the Holy Quran about Love.
"And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves, mates that you may dwell (inclined) unto them, and caused between you love and compassion: Verily in this are signs for a people who reflect " (30:21)
I cant help but comment that the greatest Love is that what Allah has for his creation. So much love he has for us that he is the most beneficient and the most merciful. And even greater is the Love he has for Muhammad (SAW) and Ali(AS) and the infallible Imams.Our thoughts cannot even comprehend the Love he has for us
The "Love' of a man and woman is definitely much more than what the current generation (media, people, societies etc) make of it. Infact I feel that the word 'Love' itself is being degraded and trampled upon. It is being used as a toy.
Let me try and clarify the difference between Love without marriage and the Love after marriage
before marriage : If one THINKS that he/she is in 'love' with someone, they would be on cloud nine...it would be (to him or her)
the most beautiful time of life...the reason why all these feelings would come about...is because, all that 'love' would mean then is
FUN FUN FUN....without any
RESPONSIBILITY whatsoever.
after marriage : both man and woman would have to handle the
responsibilities marriage brings with it. Responsibility to each other and to oneself. When a person is responsible about another,
TRUE LOVE is the outcome. Why do you think the love of Mothers
for their Children is sooo great? They are responsible for their children. That is Love...true Love...that develops out of responsibility...not out of physical feelings.
Ofcourse I am not saying that physical feelings and emotions are not important and should be stopped. On the contrary. I am saying that with
true love, these same feelings would be
more meaningful as it would leave one with Nafsul-Mutmainnah (the contented soul as mentioned in the Qur'an)...and both the physical and spiritual self would be satisfied and content.
And this true love, most definitely (99.99%) cannot develop before marriage.
And infact, I think its deadly to marry someone whom you think you 'love'. Because if you have already believed that you 'Love' him/her, it will be very hard to judge that person on other characteristics (like piety, family background etc). The result would be that one would marry him/her even despite for example that he/she is not pious at all. And that, I feel is a very big reason for the increase in divorce rates. After all how can a person, who does not care for himself or his future (hereafter), care for you and your children?
Keeping the above in mind, I think it is a very bad idea to look at engagement as a time to develop 'Love' for one another.
And if enaggement is taken to be a period when one can judge whether he/she will be able to spend the rest of their lives with the other person, then the moment (god forbid) a mistake is made on one side, the other side will immediately dissolve the engagement. (Please note that I am not saying that engagements should not be there...I am saying that if the right criteria are used, in the right way, engagement would only have to be used when there are other things which neccesitate the delay of the marriage...)
Love cannot develope while in Engagement. Yes people are very happy when they are engaged. But that feeling is
not true love. Love
has yet to develop over the years. That happy feeling is what the Quran describes as attraction that has been incorporated among men and women for each other so that they may care and love one another.
Notice how the ayat is set:-
'that you may dwell (inclined) unto them' comes first'
(i.e attraction)
followed by
'and caused between you love and compassion:'
(i.e love develops)
and the beauty of the meaning of these verses is reflected in the part saying :-
'Verily in this are signs for a people who reflect' (30:21)
(my understanding of this is that it refers to the lawful ways of developing that 'attraction' into true Love)
Although I know that we all know this well, I am inclined to mention it just in case. Any sort of relationship between man and woman that is Haraam normally is also haraam after engagement (this includes being together alone without a third person who can see you, holding hands, being romantic etc). Unless ofcourse they have entered into the Muta contract.
And while on the topic, Muta can be entered upon, for example, with the intention and agreement of only making 'talking to each other' halaal.
Yes, conditions can be set in muta where the man and woman can talk to each other freely and fullstop. Hence, in this case, anything apart from talking would still be haraam. If I am not mistaken, Ayatullah Khomeini (may God be pleased with him) during his sickness before he departed for the better world, only allowed the nurse to inject him after they entered into the Muta' contract.
As for the issue of who is more inclined to discuss this topic and who, the man or woman, is in the wrong for all the problems before and after engagement...the Quran is very clear about it....
"O Mankind, We created you from a single (pair) of a male and a female and made you into nations and tribes, that you may know each other. Verily the most honored of you in the sight of God is he who is the most righteous of you" (49:13).
Men and women are equal in the eyes of God, the difference in status is due to the difference in piety.
So there are 'black sheep' on both the sides. But at the end of the day, we have the choice! We cannot let ourselves be pulled into degrading ourselves infront of Allah (SWT)
May Allah (SWT) forgive our sins and help us to the right path.
And God knows best...
Watch 
- By Fatema.Khimji