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[qarrar]

Whenever a man contemplates getting married he goes through a phase which I have termed fright and flight syndrome. To give you a better insight into it you could say in one sense it as a fear of getting into a life long relationship without knowing a lot or everything about your future spouse or in the other sense you could simply dismiss it as high anxieties before a major event which marriage certainly is.

Now here are my question which Inshallah will stimulate a healthy discussion.

Do women go through a similar phase

What is the remedy if any to get over this phase and look beyond it

[Sabiha]

I must admit, this is probably one topic which will definately provoke responses from members of ask!!! Do women go through the fright and flight syndrome?

In a one word response....yes!! From what ive seen and experienced when one thinks that a 'potential match' will not work out, one is more relaxed. When one thinks there is a possibility of the match working out from what theyve heard about the person before meeting them, they are more tensed. So tensed to the extent that one may unintentionally intimidate or mislead the opposite party.

How does one get over such a predicament? Well...i have a couple of theories, one of them being both people have to be able to communicate for longer than just one formal meeting, which most probably doesnt paint the full picture of the opposite person. And hopefully this can be done in an islamic way. Im sure if 2 people chat to each other with the intention being marriage, Islam will not frown upon this?

Which Brings me to another related issue. If shia single men and women do not have the oppurtunity to know what type of ppl are in the community, how are ideal matches supposed to happen? The bohoras have organised meetings between singles in their community in order for them to choose spouses from within the community. Doesnt the fact that so many people in our community are marrying people from other communities indicate that something must be done to prevent this from happening to often, due to obvious reasons?

I know ive deviated somewhat from the topic, but the subject of marriage is all interrelated. Sorry for any inconvinience caused!!

[qarrar]

This Bohora solution had also come to my mind and I had also tried getting some support for it but the response I got was that it was a bad idea and that regulating such meetings would become a nightmare to which I sympathise to a certain degree.

Currently the WF is testing its https://www.khojamatch.com/ website and trying to see whether a website can facilitate a virtual meeting place for future would be spouses. Unfortunately currently this initiative is only open to European Jamaats and if it proves a success then it will be rolled out worldwide. Personally I am not a big fan of this initiative having my own reasons for it.

I know ive deviated somewhat from the topic, but the subject of marriage is all interrelated. Sorry for any inconvinience caused!!

This reminds me of frequent announcements I hear at Birmingham New Street Station, “Your train is delayed by approximately 40 minutes, sorry for any inconvenience caused”. You are damn right inconvenience; I have already missed a lecture

[Sabiha]

A Bohora friend of mine met her fiancee through one of these setups...so i do think they have some credibility. Of course they would have to be tailored to meet the expectations of our community. Incidently, theese meetings do happen im told. They are just on the hush hush!! I just heard about them recently through a friend, and was surprised that they happen in our community.

To add to your original question though, dont you think women should have a more tough time when it comes to cold feet regarding marriage? After all, its the woman who generally goes into the mans environment, has to deal on a day to day basis with a completely new family, and possibly new environemnt too? Unfortunately i know quite a few women who are my age or younger and already divorced. Issues like these make one want to be more cautious when considering such a life altering event.

[qarrar]

Well I am quite ready to concede that women would normally have a harder time due to the reasons stated, but taking into account women of this modern age I am a bit worried about the men to be brutally honest. I am not criticising women, but the argument of women always being in the vulnerable position in a relationship doesn’t seem to fetch as many sympathy votes as it did before. Divorce is another related matter but it has its own distinct reasons which are not always picked up at early stages of a relationship.

[Sabiha]

:) Ok. I will have to agree with you on that one. There are lots of women who can twist situations to meet only what they want. But if if a man does end up with such a woman he probably did not even see that coming!!!! Women like that tend to be like cameleons, so much so that when a guy talks to her she probably seems perfect!! And trust me, because we are all human, when something appears to be too good to be true, it most probably is.

You really do want to look for honesty as the first criteria no matter how bitter is seems. Someone whos willing to be honest to you about her faults is also more likely to be willing to change because that first step of accepting her faults has already been overcome. And oh yes, a mother has a lot of influence on her daughter. However different they may seem, looking at the mothers behaviour might be an extremely good indicator of how the daughter will behave in future.

[qarrar]

:) Ok. I will have to agree with you on that one. There are lots of women who can twist situations to meet only what they want. But if a man does end up with such a woman he probably did not even see that coming!!!

Yupe, doesn’t even know what hit him, poor fellow. Men are doomed is all I can say Coming to your later argument of honesty, well this in itself has to be practiced with certain boundaries on both sides i.e. men and women because it has both the potential of destroying and making relationships. I agree total honesty within marriage is of paramount importance but such honesty leading up to or before marriage; I am not too sure about.

To me the winning trait apart from those stipulated by religion, is the willingness to change and adapt which should be demonstrated by both parties. You have linked this with honesty but I think it can stand on it own. On the final point of like mother like daughter, well I am again not too sure about this because mothers usually tend to conduct themselves in a respectful manner but that does not always translate into the daughter.